The Secret to Happiness: Peeing on Demand

Anchovy pizza + beer = A-OK lunch

I had lunch at Homeslice with Matt Glazer and Will Ikard recently.  All of us liked anchovies and beer, so the party hit the ground running.  They had just signed some big clients through GNI Strategies, and since I was having lunch with the I and the G, of GNI, I heartily congratulated them.

Matt and Will, in turn, congratulated me for winning the HOES contest again.  They hadn’t seen me since, and Matt said that he furiously checked his twitter stream while in New Orleans for my live updates from the sub.  It’s funny, both Matt and Will are super busy guys, they always have eight jillion things happening in their lives.  Their social media and political travails make them the kind of people that habitually check their iPhones constantly, and I always feel a step behind them because more than likely no one DM’d me in the last 4o seconds.

Nonetheless, they were enraptured by my tale of mind games, holding-in-pee endurance abilities and pre-contest training.  They acted like it was the most interesting thing they’d ever heard.  And I don’t mean that they were faking it, they just seemed genuinely amazed and flabbergasted.  They had me talking so much, I barely had time to stuff pizza in my mouth.

I told them that being able to pee whenever I wanted to was a magical experience for weeks afterward.  It really made me incredibly happy, and I was sad to lose that thrice-a-day sense of wonder and joy.  The secret to happiness is being satisfied with what you got, and I gotta pee all the time.  Eventually, the ecstatic release morphed into a dull contentment.  Even though I tried, I couldn’t keep the feeling as urinating whenever I wanted became routine.  I had discovered the secret to happiness and been truly happy with all aspects of my life due to a simple freedom shared by all, and I let it slip away.

Will suggested I write a story for the Chronicle or something expounding on my theory of happiness, but why would I send you out to their filthy pages when I can enrapture readers directly through this here blog?  So dear, dear readers, my message to you this morning is simple: the next time you have to pee and then successfully do so within five minutes of your urge, count your blessings.

Cost: $23.50
Total this year: $287.50