Two Homeslice Champs, United In Freedom

The two champs. Note the remaining pizza on each plate.

“it being impossible for two things of the same kind, to be or exist in the same instant, in the very same place” –John Locke, An Essay Concerning Human Understanding, Chapter XXVII

John Locke would flip his shit, as did half the Homeslice staff, if he would have seen me roll into Homeslice the other day with Homeslice pizza eating champion Chris Floyd.

For the last year, we’ve heard about each others presence and style from the waitstaff who serve us both.  Occasionally we’ve bumped into each other coming or going at Homeslice, and greeted each other socially when we’ve run into each other.  We saw each other at The Highball on Saturday night, and decided to actually go to Homeslice together one day.  So we did.

We walked in, and Clare (sp Clair? Claire? Klaiyr?) walked up.  I pointed at us and said “this is…*searching for right words*…” and she said “adorable.  This is adorable”.  Well put.

We were seated out back, and a few of the waitstaff cracked a smile as they saw us walking together.  Our waiter started by asking us what we wanted to drink.

Now Chris Floyd is known for being an exceptional water drinker.  When I first started eating free pizza at Homeslice, I asked the waitstaff what Chris was like to try to glean some tips from a master.  They all said that Chris loves him some water.  I thought it was just a training thing to expand the stomach or something, but it’s always true.  Once the waiter brought us our waters, Chris drank half of his straight away.  He was, to be fair, coming straight from kickball.  Nonetheless, it was impressive.  The waiter came back like two minutes later and apologetically and said he’d bring out more water, as if he should have respected the thirst of the man seated before him.

We talked for a good long time, and we each told our ridiculous stories.

Since you already know mine, I’ll sorta sum up his, and throw in some of his juicy tidbits:

• He wins eating contests all over the city.  Pizza, brisket, pie, cannoli, you name it.
• He doesn’t do leftovers.  When he sits down at Homeslice, he just kills a whole pizza.  It’s incredible to watch.
• He doesn’t “purge”.
• The most common question he gets asked is “what’s the next day like?”.  When I asked him if he noticed any discernible uptick in the veracity of his “bodily waste management systems” the next day he said no.  I think he’s a little surprised too.
• CRAZIEST ONE: He’s not actually a big eater.  I mean usually.  Sure, he can tear through one and three quarters pizzas in 30 minutes, but he doesn’t always eat like that.  He usually eats oatmeal for breakfast.  His lunch is a modest turkey and cheese sandwich for lunch, consisting of two pieces white bread, one piece of american kraft-tacular cheese and one slice of cheap turkey.  No mustard, no mayo, no garnishes.  He’ll frequently forget to have dinner, or have something small and simple.
• Now if he goes out, he’s the guy who cleans everyone’s plate.  The other thing he always gets is “well I guess you really didn’t enjoy your food very much” because he eats everything off the plate.
• He rarely chooses his toppings.  Instead he relies on the creativity his friends or on occasion, the server who has the pleasure of taking his order.
• When he was single (he has a girlfriend now), he never used his winnings at Homeslice to help his game.  Again, another MIND BLOWER.  Let me explain very clearly for everyone, especially any family of mine or Erin’s who happen to read this post: I love Erin very, very much.  I have found the woman of my dreams and am very happy to be engaged to her.  I am fully ready and excited to spend the rest of my life with her.  Of this, there can be no doubt.  That said, (and I’m really resisting the urge to throw in more qualifiers here) if my year of free pizza had occurred when I was single, I would’ve used it TO THE LIMIT.  While I am certainly no expert on women (cue the comments section), I have learned that women like awesome men who amuse them, and winning free pizza at Homeslice by keeping your hand on an eggplant sub is nothing if not awesome and amusing.  I can’t imagine not using Homeslice as a centerpiece of my woo-the-ladies strategy.  And even though I’m now in a very committed relationship, Homeslice and it’s fiance-feeding nature has been crucial to keeping myself in Erin’s good graces.

At the end of the meal, Shauna came by with her phone to take a picture of us together.  I felt like we were the two kids who came to school on Halloween in the same costumes.  Lots of cooing, comments and photos.  Chris usually leaves pretty big tips, and since I didn’t want to be shown up, I tipped more than I usually do so I wouldn’t seem cheap in comparison.  I always tip 20% on the price of the bill sans-discount if it’s just Erin and I, but my friends usually pick up the bill and I don’t know what they tip, although I encourage them to go big.

As we were leaving, we chatted with Shauna, and Chris and her had a funny little conversation about appropriate and inappropriate email addresses for professional purposes.

I really had fun.  Chris and I could really relate to each other about free pizza, the reactions of others, pressure of competition, and sweetness of glory.  I wish him all the best in the pizza eating contest, and I pity those who will face him.  Prepare to expand your stomach and lose your mind.

For those who want to contact Chris to learn more about his exploits, please contact him at junkinmytrunk94@aol.com.